Monday, August 4, 2014

Brian Scalabrine is a literary and comic genius

You may have already seen this all over the internet.  I try not to use things on this blog that are totally unoriginal, but in this case it's just too amazing and funny not to share.  There are very few times when something I read actually makes me laugh out loud, and this did on multiple occasions.

Brian Scalabrine is coming back to Boston to be a color commentator for the Celtics CSNNE, and he announced it in the most incredible way possible--by poking fun at LeBron.




From July 11, here's LeBron James' Sports Illustrated story "I'm coming home: the four-time NBA MVP explains why he is returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers"

And from today, here's Scalabrines story on CSNNE "I'm coming home: the one-time NBA champ, aka 'The White Mamba' explains why he is returning to the Boston Celtics"

You've probably already read the LeBron letter, and if so Scal's is a MUST READ.  Here are some of the highlights:

LeBron:
"Before anyone ever cared where I would play basketball, I was a kid from Northeast Ohio. It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart. People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son."

Scalabrine:
"From the moment I signed with the Celtics, I knew this was my new home. Most of the people are just like me. They work hard, they play hard, and the passion they have for their sports team is unlike anywhere in the world. I had passion for my team just like the fans. I guess I was kind of like the fans except I had a courtside seat for free and if we were up by 20 with less than two minutes to play I would get to go into the game."

LeBron:
"Remember when I was sitting up there at the Boys & Girls Club in 2010? I was thinking, This is really tough. I could feel it. I was leaving something I had spent a long time creating. If I had to do it all over again, I’d obviously do things differently, but I’d still have left. Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids. These past four years helped raise me into who I am. I became a better player and a better man. I learned from a franchise that had been where I wanted to go. I will always think of Miami as my second home. Without the experiences I had there, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today."

Scalabrine:
"Remember when I spurned the Celtics and signed with the Chicago Bulls in 2010? Actually I begged Ainge to keep me and he wished me the best of luck. I was thinking, "This is really tough." I could feel it. I left something I had spent five years creating. I haven’t paid for a meal since 2008...But if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably still have left. Chicago, for me, has always been like graduate school. I myself had always considered getting my MBA at Northwestern. These past four years helped bolster my resume to showcase the well-rounded individual I am. I'm a better player, a better coach, a better broadcaster, and a better Mamba. I've learned a great deal in my time spent with four franchises…actually five if you count my stint in Italy because of the lockout. What was the purpose of the lockout again? I will always think of Chicago as my third home and Oakland probably as my fourth home…but not like downtown Oakland, more like the suburbs. Without the experiences I've had in these places, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today."

LeBron:
"I’m not having a press conference or a party. After this, it’s time to get to work."

Scalabrine:
"I may have a press conference, and I am definitely having a party. And all of Boston will be invited. And when we are done, we will still have a few months before we have to get to work."

LeBron:
"I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. It will be a long process, much longer than it was in 2010. My patience will get tested. I know that. I’m going into a situation with a young team and a new coach. I will be the old head. But I get a thrill out of bringing a group together and helping them reach a place they didn’t know they could go. I see myself as a mentor now and I’m excited to lead some of these talented young guys. I think I can help Kyrie Irving become one of the best point guards in our league. I think I can help elevate Tristan Thompson and Dion Waiters. And I can’t wait to reunite with Anderson Varejao, one of my favorite teammates."

Scalabrine:
"I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. I’m only a broadcaster - what could I really do? It will be a long process, much longer than in 2008. My patience will get tested. I know that. I’m going into a situation with a young team and a young coach. I will be the young Comcast SportsNet announcer in the booth next to the legendary Mike Gorman and learn from the greatest color analyst in the game Mr. Tommy Heinsohn. I know that I have a lot to learn but I see myself as a Champion, and I think I can help break down some great Marcus Smart dunks this season. I think I can elevate Kelly Olynyk’s game by the amount of research I make my interns do before announcing road games. And I can’t wait to reunite with Rajon Rondo, one of my favorite teammates. Paul, KG, and Ray may have all left, but Rondo and the White Mamba remain in Boston, at least for now."

LeBron:
"I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously. My presence can make a difference in Miami, but I think it can mean more where I’m from. I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up. Maybe some of them will come home after college and start a family or open a business. That would make me smile. Our community, which has struggled so much, needs all the talent it can get.

In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have.

I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home."

Scalabrine:
"I feel my calling here goes above basketball – get it...calling... double meaning? They call that a pun. I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously. I want kids in Boston, like the hundreds of elementary school kids who have red hair and no chance of making the NBA, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up. Maybe some of them will come home after college and work at a bank. That would make me smile. Our community, which has struggled. Well, not really. Winning eight championships since 2000 isn’t much of a struggle, and I guess the Sox won last year. I should have known that … where was I?
...
In Boston, nothing is given. Remember in the movie The Departed when Francis Costello said, “No one gives it to you. You have to take it.” That was a great scene and a great Boston movie.

I’m ready to accept the Scallenge. Boston, I’m coming home."


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