Bartolo Colon's body has obviously been inhabited by a space alien

One of the very first blogs I ever wrote on this site, from March 5, 2011, was titled Bartolo Colon might not be dead?  I posed that question because he was pitching well in spring training for the Yankees that year, despite being totally washed up with the Red Sox in 2008 and out of baseball completely by 2010.

That was more than five years ago.  Colon was just shy of 38 years old at the time.

Tonight, he hit a home run.

Bartolo Colon hitting his first career homerun. You're welcome. (via @MLB)https://t.co/UpG0GJpPTN

— NBCSN (@NBCSN) May 8, 2016

The borderline-ancient pitcher will turn 43 on May 24.

As reported by Gary Cohen on @SNYtv, Bartolo Colon, at age 42, is the oldest player in MLB history at the time of his first home run.

— Elias Sports Bureau (@EliasSports) May 8, 2016

When Colon was suddenly not over-the-hill back in 2011, I speculated he was probably on steroids.  In 2012, he was suspended for steroids (specifically illegal testosterone use).  Colon came back in 2013 and was miraculously good again (at age 40), yet somehow nobody seemed to question it.  Last season he started for the Mets on Opening Day, and the only rational conclusion I could come to was that he must know something the rest of the word doesn't.

Now Colon is hitting balls out of the ballpark, and my "it's some new super-secret steroid" theory still isn't catching on.  I give up.  "Inhabited by space alien" it is.


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Awesome Fairly Current Song of the Week / Commercial Mocking Politics: "My House" by Flo Rida

I've seen this add on many occasions lately, and every time I think "That song is pretty cool."



But, somehow I never actually paid enough attention to notice the joke until I found it just now on YouTube.  Well done Spotify, your adds are killing it right now.  And while I don't particularly care for the 20-second rap solo shortly after the two-minute mark, nice work by Flo Rida with My House as well:




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Did Zaza Pachulia permanently ruin Star Wars Day for the Atlanta Hawks?

If that title doesn't make you curious, I don't know what will (and no, Zaza Pachulia is not a Star Wars character, he's an NBA center).  Here's my maybe-not-quite-lucid train of thought that led to this blog:

In Game 2 of their second-round series Wednesday night, the Hawks trailed the Cavaliers 74-38 at halftime.

Nice job by the Hawks to avoid getting doubled up. https://t.co/mUg9TFCO9j

— Mark Van Deusen (@LucidSportsFan) May 5, 2016

Cleveland eventually won 123-98, while hitting a league-record 25 three-pointers.  The blowout prompted this tweet from former Celtics reporter Jessica Camerato:

Eight years ago today, the Hawks lost 99-65 to the Celtics in Game 7 of the first round.

— Jessica Camerato (@JCameratoCSN) May 5, 2016

I was at that game and I remember it well--it was an absolute mauling.  The top-seeded and eventual-champion Celts somehow failed to win on the road in that series against the eighth-seeded Hawks, which prompted this absurd premature celebration from Atlanta big man Zaza Pachulia after his club's 103-100 victory in Game 6:





Kevin Garnett was not amused (start watching this clip at 3:35).

Pachulia may have tempted the force with his antics, as the Hawks are 0-5 in playoff games on Star Wars Day (May the Fourth) since his ridiculous outburst, with an average margin of defeat of 24.2 points.

5/4/08 - Celtics 99, Hawks 65
5/4/10 - Magic 114, Hawks 71
5/4/11 - Bulls 86, Hawks 73
5/4/12 - Celtics 90, Hawks 84
5/4/16 - Cavs 123, Hawks 98


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This 'Star Wars Day' thing is getting out of hand

I remember I was playing trivia in a bar one night about four years ago when I first learned that "Star Wars Day" was a thing.  My team guessed that it was "May the first," which I'm still convinced sounds more accurate than "May the fourth."  At the time, "Star Wars Day" was known of only to serious fans of the genre.  It's suddenly blown up over the past few years, and now it's everywhere.

Here's what I saw when I opened up Twitter a few hours ago:

I might as well feed the beast.  Some previous Star Wars related blogs I've written:

Star Wars cereal tastes exactly like Fruit Loops. All Fruit Loops.

Star Wars began with episodes 4-6, followed by 1-3, then back to 7, now we get a sort of 3-and-a-half?

Darth Vader and Tedy Bruschi's Fantasy Football Draft

Paul Pierce and Star Wars Inspired Awesome(?) Old Song of the Week


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Pablo Sandoval's $17.6 million walk

Yesterday the news broke that Pablo Sandoval will have shoulder surgery and likely miss the rest of the season.  Here are his final 2016 stats, for which the Red Sox will pay him $17.6 million:

3 games, 6 at-bats, 0 runs, 0 hits, 1 walk, 4 strikeouts, .000 batting average and 1 error

Maybe someday we'll refer to Sandoval's fateful April 9 plate appearance in the 7th inning of an 8-4 Boston win as "the $17.6 million walk."

Through two years (and $35.2 million) with the Red Sox, the third baseman's total numbers are as follows:

129 games, 476 at-bats, 43 runs, 115 hits, 25 doubles, 1 triple, 10 home runs, 47 runs batted in, 26 walks, 77 strikeouts, .242 batting average, .290 on-base percentage and .361 slugging percentage

That works out to roughly $306,000 per hit, or $749,000 per RBI.  Boston will also pay Sandoval an average of just under $18.3 million for 2017, 2018 and 2019.  This seems like a good time to mention an article I wrote for Bleacher Report 18 months ago:

Boston Red Sox: The Case Against Signing Pablo Sandoval

The video to accompany the above belt-busting photo:

CLIPS OF THE DAY: Pablo Sandoval's Belt Came Unbuckled on a Swing pic.twitter.com/oaeAdQUrQs

— SportsCast (@SportsCast_THN) April 11, 2016

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LeBron James trying to 'Be Like Mike' in Space Jam 2

The Hollywood Reporter announced today that there really is going to be a Space Jam 2 starring LeBron James, presumably in the Michael Jordan role from the 1996 original.  My initial thought is that this will be another poor attempt by LeBron to "Be like Mike," along the lines of his bizarre failed layup attempt in last year's playoffs:





As much as I hate to admit it though, LeBron was great in Trainwreck:





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Four reasons why a Tom Brady suspension might not be so terrible for the Patriots

First and foremost please, please read the title carefully.  I'm not saying a Tom Brady suspension is a good thing.  The words "might not be so terrible" still definitely imply that it's bad.  But now that a week has gone by since the "suspension back on" news, I'm ready to write about it and I've decided to take an optimistic angle.

So if Tom Brady's suspension actually does stick this time around, here's one potential silver lining for each of the four games he'll miss (in reverse order of importance):

1. We'll get an opportunity to see if Jimmy Garrapolo is any good, which might be worth figuring out sooner rather than later.  Brady will be 39 years old by the time the season starts and chances are he's not actually going to play until he's 45.

2. As I mentioned, Brady turns 39 in August.  A shortened, 12-game regular season could be exactly what he needs, just ask Peyton Manning.  Or Roger Clemens, for that matter.

3.  Last season, New England busted out of the gates, but faded down the stretch and fell in the AFC title game (similar to what happened with the 2007 edition that went 16-0 but lost the Super Bowl).

Two years ago the Patriots started slowly, then got hot and won the Super Bowl (as did the 2001 squad that began the season 3-4).  The same is true for a number of other recent NFL champs, including both Giants teams that beat New England.  The point is, early season struggles don't matter--putting it all together for the playoffs does.

4.  The reason the Pats were so good early on last year was because of the massive chip on Brady's shoulder.  That was after his suspension was nullified.  Imagine the fire that will burn inside of him if he's actually forced to sit out the first quarter of the season?

Watch out, NFL.


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